Welcome To The Rest of Your Life...

FIRST!!!!

Aaah…that exclamation always hits a soft spot in my heart. It reminds me of the countless hours of being trapped in the “bored-to-tears” doldrums that prompts me to visit gossip blog sites and read the endless streams of “FIRST!” variations. I have to admit that one of my favorites is “FIRST B!TCHES!!”. It stirs up so much tender emotion…to think that I wasn’t first in posting on a topic. I wasn’t the first to have my eyes glaze over with minute interest. I say if you’re not first, you’re last—and I don’t like losing. Losing makes me curl in the fetal position and nurse a box of Mike and Ike’s in sorrow...but hey let’s not get into that…

So as I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to introduce myself to the world, my little Winamp module is doing a horrible job of randomizing my music library. Why do I want to listen to the Howard University Marching Band at 2AM? Does it know that secretly I tie my Hello Kitty towel around my shoulders like a cape and start high stepping in my living room, pretending the kitchen table is the 50 yard line?--I don’t think so Winamp.

So….why am I here? It’s simple. I’m here to announce that for you—your time is up.

I have waited long enough for you to listen to what I have to say, and quite frankly my left foot has fallen asleep. My dear friend Kaia and I have built a haven of intellect, humor, and opinion on the varying occurrences of the world. A haven built on our jubilant words of mirth and elation; words that are light and airy and taste like chicken or turkey, depending upon who’s eating and how much rum they drank….

Whether we are bothered, amused, shocked, disgusted, surprised, bored by, or simply irreversibly confused by these random idiosyncrasies of society—we’ll let you know.

But dammit all to pieces, you’ve taken FOREVER to get here. Where have you been? Didn’t I tell you to get in this house when the street lights came on? Don’t make me take my belt off…

Look…we built you a glorious city of word-ly knowledge. We made it out of pipe cleaners, glitter, and laffy taffy—just for you. Yet you sit there and procrastinate. You’re late guy…

I’m disappointed in you.

Yes.

You.